oh kay

ok

there is a feeling or something

‘damn’

there is a feeling or something

salty tear drink

i walked to my school’s ‘computer lab ‘

before i sat down at a computer i sad ‘ crisis time’

not sure why i said that

nobody else was there because it was like 5 in the morning

i meant to do some ‘ homework’

but i just ‘messed around’ on the internet

i looked up how much it would cost to fly to india on  expedia.com

i looked up how much it would cost to buy some ’stuff’ at ikea.com

i can’t do ‘anything right’

getting phone numbers from people is ‘easy’

getting people to text back is hard

getting into college is easy

getting good grades requires effort

failing classes is easy

working at ‘kfc’ or ‘ subway’ is hard

it seems like i ‘alienated’  potential acquaintances

i read some blog post from some girl

she said she will ‘ die alone’ with like 40 cats

i laughed inside without making a smile

she might become a  ’ cat lady’

i will die alone with zero pets

i will die alone outside in a park

i will die alone with shoplifted merchandise from ‘ target’

i feel irrelevant

i feel irrational

 i have an extensive knowledge of geography

when i was in 8th grade i knew  about  k-mart realism

when i was in 9th grade i knew nothing about ‘ relationships’

when i was 20 years old i still did not know what a ‘ relationship’ means

should i move to hawaii

should i cut my ear off and eat it on vegan rye bread

should i cry into a bottle of ice tea and ask somebody to ‘ take a sip’

and that person will say after drinking a sip ‘ tastes salty’

i will laugh or something

i have asperger’s syndrome or something

writing just to write

 

writing just to write

feeling ‘ productive’ now

hehehehehehehe

‘embarrassed’

or something

hehehehehehe

‘damn’

’sweet’

omg

your  two eyes are like two doves

something

something

something

something

something

your hair is like an eagle

something

something

something

something

something

i should do something

you should do ‘ something’

we should do ‘ something’

baby pictures

tuesdays

i went on the computer and opened up firefox internet browser

i minimized it at least 12 times

i stared at the screen for a good 15 mins

i checked my email

no new mail for three days

i felt like listening to music

i typed ‘ hunger ,blood, die’ into the google search

a bunch of shitty ‘ metal band’ lyrics showed up

i listened to some ‘grizzly bear’ until my head phones broke

i turned off the ‘grizzly bear’ video

i left the ‘ computer lab’

i speed jogged for 5 mins outside

but i remembered that i had no where to go

i bought some ‘iced coffee’ at some corner store, near where i live

it was made from organic coffee beans imported from ‘peru’

i put some honey in it and drank it down fast until i felt ‘bloated’

i threw my cup into  a ‘trash can’ but i changed my mind

i put my hand into the trash can and picked up my used coffee cup

i walked about 20 meters and threw the used coffee cup on the ground

i felt ‘cold’ so i walked back to my ‘room’

i could hear people talking in the hallways

i tried not to look sad or happy

i just counted tiles as i walked to my ‘room’

i was going to watch ‘ the news’

but felt bored of life and i had an intense desire to sleep

i crawled into my bed and looked at my walls for 2 hours

i felt bored of trying to fall asleep

i picked up my broken ‘ lap top’ and tried to fix it

after 45 mins of trying to fix the lap top, the lap top was still broken

i picked up a book that i found in a park a few days ago

the book was a non-fiction book about european investment in china

i read about 40 pages

reading the book made me feel bored

i still have no stance on european investment in china

i took my lighter out of my pocket

the lighter is bright green

with my lighter i set some pages on fire of the non-fiction book

i threw the burning book onto the tile floor

i watched it burn with an intense look on my face

i did not  want my ‘ other’ stuff to burn

so i poured a bottle of ‘ bottled water’ onto the burning book

the fire burned out and there was black sludge water all over my tile floor

i felt a need to clean up the mess before i could move on to do more          ‘ productive’  things

i was about half way of cleaning of the sludge water

when i felt an extreme feeling of panic

i jumped into bed and tried to sleep

i looked at the clock , it said 9:34 pm

i remember when i checked my email , it was 12:25

i climbed out of bed and sat down at my ‘ work desk’

i put a sticky note on the left side of the desk that said ‘ work desk’

i honestly have never done any actual work on the desk

i probably only have done a good 40 – 50 mins of ‘ actual work ‘ in my life

i pulled out a fresh piece of paper

i drew a dog walking with a slight limp

i laughed and quickly threw away the paper

i jumped back into bed and sang some lyrics to a song

not sure what the song was

feels like i learned that song for ‘ earth day’ in  the 5th grade

i thoguht about some potential ‘ romantic interests’ for a while

but i was too disaffected, tired  and depressed to call or talk to anybody

i had ‘ extra money’ to buy some food

but  i felt too detached to go out and buy some food

i ate a handful of cereal and ‘ feel asleep’

the pains of being pure at heart

cupcakes hehe

‘awkward ” text messages hehe

buying camels

smoking camels

throwing away un smoked paul malls

happy days

sad nights

happy nights

sad days

giant house

little mind

used ‘ american apparel’ sweaters

shoplifted bow ties from ‘the gap ‘

‘awkward’ phone ringing

assholes who talk too much and ‘annoy’ too much

talking with people in a social situation

feeling cool

feeling european

feeling asian

feeling american

going home

going to sleep

feeling tired

feeling stupid

feeling ‘awkward’

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

feeling empty

enjoying  life with a very  mild enthusiasm

smoking marlboros

green is gay

gold is power

watching youtube

feeling alone

walking to buy some food

feeling hungry

drawing on my walls

feeling like a ‘ little asshole kid’

getting ‘ excited’ when somebody calls me or texts me

feeling like a ‘ dumbshit’

acting like an ‘asshole’ saying ‘ i don’t give a shit’

feeling like a lil sissy with a  ‘pure heart’ at night

feeling straight edge

cupcakes

asain eyes

american eyes

european eyes

red eyes

messy room

messy bed

clean clothes

21

i sat an upright position for 12 hours last night

when it was 4 in the morning i drank some ‘organic’ apple juice

i don’t have a job

i just live off a ‘trust fund’

i attended ’sara lawrence’

i tell people i never went there

because i don’t  want to seem like an ‘ elitist’ or something

i just buy stuff with a credit card and never ‘think’

about a budget or something

i might live in ‘poverty’

and just ‘pretend’ i am from the ‘ upper middle class’

maybe i go to a ’state school’

i might have $100,000 in student loans

‘jesus’ that seems ‘depressing’ and shitty

if i had a $100,000 car, i would crash into a tree or something

seems like a ‘quick’ way to blow $100,000

it’s okay to eat fish because they have no ‘feelings’

it’s okay to ‘belittle’ me because i have no ‘feelings’

i should write down all of my ‘hopes & dreams’ down

and fill a notebook

i should take that notebook and throw it into a fire

i could watch the notebook burn with a ‘ neutral facial expression’

i could start laughing or maybe start ’sobbing’

not sure

kinda wish there was a  ‘nyquil’ for life

‘nyquil’ could let me sleep for years

until life seems less ‘fucked’

i am really good at ‘ alienating’ people

i should win  a nobel prize under the ‘alienating’ other humans category

i don’t like bearded people

i don’t like flip flops on people

i don’t like waking up

john goodman

” John Goodman tries to kill Tao Lin “

Tao Lin was walking to a bodega to buy some beer for his wealthy brother, who was staying in his apartment. Tao had a ‘neutral facial expression’. Tao thought about why he felt ‘indifferent’ towards his  obese adopted Caucasian brother . Tao Lin’s brother is named Earl Lin. Earl Lin was adopted by the Lin family in the mid 1980’s. Earl Lin studied economics at Georgetown University.Earl Lin became wealthy because he started a hedge fund after he graduated from Georgetown University. Earl was staying in Tao’s apartment because he had a nervous breakdown due to his ‘ overeating’ and ‘divorce’. Tao walked into the ugly looking bodega. There was a bearded Indian  man who was working the late shift. Tao bought some ‘Coors Light’. The bearded Indian man whispered cuss words in Bengali as Tao left the store. Tao started to speedwalk towards his apartment building holding the case of beer in his left arm, when he heard a loud crash. Tao felt ‘excited’ about the crash. Tao walked towards the noise and saw an obese man laying in the street. Behind the man was a forest green dodge minivan parked in the middle of the street, with the passenger door still open.The obese man started  ’sobbing uncontrollably’. Tao asked the man ” Why did you park your van in the middle of the street? ” the obese man replied” I don’t want to live anymore.” Tao felt confused inside. Tao asked the man ” what was that crash noise?” the obese man just rolled his eyes at Tao and started to ’sob uncontrollably’ again. Tao sat down in the street next to the sobbing obese man and took out a beer and started to drink it with a ‘neutral facial expression’. After 15 minutes the obese man got up and said ” There was a crash noise because i banged my head on my bumper.” Tao lin asked the obese man” So you were driving and you had a sudden urge to bang your head on your bumper? You parked your van in the middle of the street, you got out of your minivan and slammed your head on the bumper?” the obese man calmly replied ” that is right”. Tao nodded at the obese man and offered him a ‘Coors Light’. The obese  man just looked at Tao and got back into his forest green minivan. The obese man asked Tao if he wanted a ride somewhere. Tao replied ” yes” and Tao got into the forest green minivan. Tao was not sure where he wanted to go but he just got a sudden need to be around this obese man that looked like somebody from his ‘childhood’. The obese man said ” my name is john” and Tao replied my name ” Earl”.

John and Tao drove for three hours until they arrived at a farm in upstate New York. For the whole three hours not one of them said a single word. They listened to  the audiobook of One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez on the minivan’s  stereo system. Tao had a cell phone with him put he had put it on ’silent’. While john drove Tao texted his brother Earl. Earl was worried that he had no beer to drink and he was bemused as to why Tao never returned with the ‘Coors Light’ that he requested. Tao texted a message to his brother informing him that he met a girl named ‘ Winnie ‘ on Bedford Avenue and they are boarding a flight to Las Vegas to get married. After Tao pressed the send button he shut his cell phone off. When the minivan pulled up to the farmhouse john said ” the bitch tried to take my farm”. Tao had a ‘neutral facial expression’ on his face and replied  ” oh really”. John and Tao had to walk down a dirt driveway to get to the farmhouse. Tao started huffing and puffing as he made his way towards the farmhouse.The cold and bitter country air was a shock to Tao’s lungs. John asked Tao if he was having a ‘ panic attack’. Tao replied ” I don’t know. John opened the door of the farmhouse. Tao closed his eyes and breathed in the the old farmhouse. Tao smiled because he loved the woody scent of the farmhouse that was made up of argwood,sandalwood and cedar. Tao asked “where will I sleep ?”. John looked at him closely and said there is an air mattress in the closet near the kitchen. John put an audiobook cassette of  ‘The Virgin suicides’ by Jeffrey Eugenides into a small home stereo system that sat on top of a cardboard box in the den. John sat down on a cream colored leather couch that was near the cardboard box. Tao came inside the den holding the air mattress and sat it down near the couch.

John and Tao listened to the audiobook of ‘ The Virgin Suicides’ until the last cassette tape was over. The room became silent and John got up and turned all the lights off except a small lamp in the corner of the den. John went into the kitchen and got a small plastic forest green bottle. John said ” drink this down with me and all of are problems will be over soon.” Tao had a ‘neutral facial expression’ on his face. Tao took a sip from the forest green plastic bottle. Tao did not like the taste of the liquid that came from the bottle. Tao felt ’scared’ and spit the liquid out. Tao coughed and said ” what is this stuff ? “John smiled at Tao and said it was poison. Tao replied ” okay” and than he sat down on the air mattress. John said i am going to drink some poison now and i will probably die. Tao tried to stop John from drinking the ‘poison’ but John drank the liquid fast like he was taking a shot of  rum. Tao looked at John closely and asked him ” Are you john Goodman ? ” John felt dizzy and sick but he managed to mutter out ” Yes, I’m John Goodman”

John Goodman closed his eyes and died on the couch. Tao Lin stared at John Goodman with ‘neutral facial expression’ for a few minutes. Tao Lin than put on an audiobook of  ‘Revolutionary Road’ by Richard Yates that he found on the floor. Tao Lin snuggled up with a blanket on the air mattress and feel asleep.

blog post :

i don’t own the book ’shoplifting’ from american apparel’

i tried to buy it at a large ‘commercial’ bookstore

the guy that worked there looked at me with  a ‘neutral facial expression’

he told me he’s  not sure if they sold it

i looked down at the carpet and felt like a ‘retard’

i applied for a job at gawker.com

i got ‘interviewed’ via gmail chat

the guy from gawker said i was ’spammy’

and he called me a ‘fucking little kid’

tao lin went to nyu

i know if i went to nyu ‘grad school’

i would fail all the classes

i would move to staten island

stanten island is a ’shitty ass place’

brooklyn is much better than ’staten island’

i know i will move there because that’s where

all the losers move to after they ‘fail’ in manhattan

tao lin did not fail at nyu

he has a ‘masters’ degree

not sure what he ‘majored’ in

seems like he will never have to work at ‘taco bell’

even if he did  get a job at ‘taco bell’

he could move up the ‘corporate ladder’ faster than

the other  taco bell employees that only have a GED or something

not really sure

if tao lin died and ’shoplifting from american apparel’ was

his last book

his parents might not feel ‘proud’

tao lin must be close to 30 or something

not really sure

tao lin is asian

tao lin grew up in florida

not really sure

he could of grown up in ‘ madison, wisconsin’

or ‘ denver, colorado’

he could of grown up in ‘toronto’

i think toronto is in england or something

not really sure

i wrote a short story about tao lin called :

” John Goodman tries to kill Tao Lin “

Siri Tollerød

i am not going to write poems anymore

maybe i am ‘ bad’ at it

wait, no

i am pretty good at it

i ‘ think’

i am gonna stop for awhile

i should focus of on on ‘other stuff’

like ’surfing’ and or ‘ white-collar crime’

both seem ‘ hard’ but  they could be a ‘meaningful’  experience to me

i am a ‘retard’

i am a ‘retard’

i should die pretty soon

because i am a ‘retard’

life should be fun and filled with ’stuff to do’

but it is not

life is bleak

life is ok

not sure what is more important ‘money’ or ‘ interpersonal relationships’

not sure

i am ‘weird’ like david bowie

your just disappointed that its not the same old

going to listen to punk in my mind

i will tap my hands on my legs

walking alone, with no i pod

there will be fake punk playing in my mind

from my fake band called  ‘ the hungry publicist hot dogs ‘

what is better ‘red heads’ or ‘azns’

i like buying books and never reading them cover to cover

middle america is a shithole

let, me film your band

am i a retard

babies should smoke  menthol camels

blonde girls from ‘ the valley’

are ‘ poor people’ human

not really sure

old people who jog seem really funny and stupid

bffs for life

nature is stupid

malls are ‘boring’ and depressing’

girls in sun dresses and leather jackets are ’sweet’ looking

my hand is seperate from the ‘ universe’

i am not part of the ‘ universe’

andy is a girl’s name

andy is a girl

girls are girls

are you a girl

are you human

i might be human

dead womb crime wave

i went to buy some food

i am number one

i should eat some dog food

i saw a black horse walking in the street

it fell and died

i laughed

i want to buy red converse\

nobody likes ‘ quiet and nice’  people

i don’t like ‘ quiet and nice’ people

i am boisterous and loud

the part of my brain that made me ‘ worry’ broke

think it broke like last ‘weekend’ or something