sometimes i feel like i should jump into a lake

i was in the  fetal position

staring at the wall

i felt ‘ fucked’

i than got up really fast

i felt alert

i thought about flowers

i thought about korean churches

i thought about new orleans

i thought about wedding flowers

i thought about wild flowers

i thought about fake flowers

i thought about flowers

i thought about buying flowers

i felt happy

i felt like i was going to stay up all night

i am thinking about selling cocaine

so i could afford a minivan

and tell people it’s my mom’s minivan

cocaine money

i want to go to sears and buy a bed set

and also a flat screen tv

i will fill out a job  application at sears

under ‘ employment history’ i will write ‘ cocaine dealer’

 

1 x 0 = 0

many  existential problems

i am fucked

i lost all motivation

i feel strange

i  screamed

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

but those screams are in my head

i just have a neutral facial expression

i should die on a tile floor

i am not brave enough to go like daul kim

i am a used  paper cup

i am not worth very much

i wish there was a reset button

i’m too tired

i want to jam a fork into my head

i’m too tired

i want an eating disorder

i want order

i waste so much time

i am not perfect

i should not be living so long

poem

i wish my life consisted only of

you sitting next to me and talking to me

Korean supermodel found hanged in Paris

i already accepted that i relate to nothing

already accepted that i relate to nothing

already accepted that i relate to nothing

i dont exist

i dont exist

i dont exist

i dont exist

i dont exist

i am not self important

why did you do it

is there really immortality

when i heard about your                    death

i cried

panic attack

i thought you were beautiful

i think about your still and cold body

it’s still beautiful but  there is no heart pumping

today i know your body is still in good condition

but next month it will be rotten

  i dont care about being remembered
i dont care about being forgotten

i dont care about being loved by everyone

i just want to be loved by someone who can

i want it to last

my life

is so god damn

predictable

its disgusting

its like some kind of fate you can not change

some kind of high high desire to not be alone

since child, high desires for beautiful things were strong

desire to be isolated was so strong (or i had no choice than to be isolated)

desire to be good looking was so strong.

but this endless loneliness

there must be something wrong from the core.

i worry as i take the courage to sleep

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

this endless loneliness

everything is so meaningless and i won’t waste my time

sleeping pills

say hi to forever

on novemeber 19th andy wrote a semi suicidal poem and put a picture of korean model daul kim above it

on novemeber 18th andy put a picture of korean model daul kim on his wall in his room

andy was making his bed and said to himself ‘ kimdaul’

on the  night of   november  19th andy got a text from a korean girl that ‘ daul kim’ killed herself

andy did not know this

andy feels sad about this

andy wishes he could of made her feel  not lonely

or share are lonliness or something

andy feels stupid because she was only 20

andy is confused

this is more than ironic

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck

England’s sixth, and the United Kingdom’s eighth most populous city

i sent you a text but you never texted me back

i like you more than any other person i’ve ever met

i had a dream about you and i felt ‘ happy’ and ’ scared’

i see you almost everyday and i like you

i think you like me too

because you play with your hair and smile at me in class

and we walk and smoke cigarettes together

and you gave me your number

and one time you saw me leaving and you ignored the person talking to you and ran towards me because you wanted to walk with me and i felt ‘ happy’ and wanted you to live in my room

but maybe you don’t like me

and maybe i should die

i don’t know you

we talked enough that i feel like i know you

i was in your car and you drove fast

i know where you were born

and you know where i was born

but you don’t know that i had a shitty childhood and my mom was very depressed and  never paid attention to me and my brother used to be on drugs and used to steal my stuff and hit me and my mom never wanted me to have friends and made me feel guilty when i had a girlfriend and moved me away into the dessert and those years were so depressing that i would cry for no reason and nobody cared and i had no internet or friends and there were no trees and when i looked outside i just saw nature and desert but the desert can’t make you feel loved and the desert won’t care if you die and i had to get away from my house so  when i turned 18 i lived alone in a city and i lived alone in a studio apartment and i was alone and i did not like talking with people but i felt okay but later i became depressed but i got a girlfriend and she did not like me back and i felt depressed and i thought about dying but i got afraid and moved into a house with a roomate and she was alone and depressed and her boyfriend left her for somebody else and we wanted to live together but still be alone and depressed and i got drunk one day and i  told her i was going to drive until i crashed and she said she did not care if i died and i said i don’t care either and i laughed but now i am more normal and adjusted because i have not been to my house  in year and i am not needy anymore because my last girlfriend made me needy and we broke up and she wanted to get together again and i thought she was being needy and i ignored her and i felt good to ignore a text like you do because it boosts your self esteem and i became less needy and i became assertive and i don’t care if you don’t want to be my girlfriend

i really don’t

just stop showing up to class

stop dressing the way you do

stop smiling at me

stop looking at me

your the prettiest girl in class and you always sit by me

your the prettiest girl and sometimes you text or talk to me

i met you in august and now it’s november

and pretty soon we will never see eachother again

and i will picture your head on another girl’s body

i will feel stupid

seems really funny

and i don’t really care about anything

‘ damn’

 

fire

my tooth hurts

my tooth hurts and i want to die

sometimes i feel normal

i don’t feel normal

my tooth hurts

i feel empty right now

if i died , all the people that i ever known

will not really care

it would be just a ‘ fun fact’ for them

and my funeral will be boring

and nobody will show up

and the guys who work at the graveyard will be too bored to burry me

so they will take my body to a bonfire party

and they will burn my body and drink beer

nobody will care

someday i will direct a four hour movie about a white wall in some room and a few people will watch the movie and they will become offended or alienated or something and those people will get angry and a mob will form and the mob will kill me and they will put my body into a cat food factory machine and little tiny pieces of my body will be mixed with cat food and the cat food mix will be shipped around the world and some cat in tampa florida will eat a piece of cat food and the cat will think ‘ damn’ this tastes like human a little

feels like  the more ‘ unemotional ‘ i get,  the more life seems less ‘ fucked’

i hate eating food and breathing air like an animal

i am a robot with zero ‘ feelings’ programmed

i was made in japan in the late 80’s in  a large commercial factory

robots ran the factory

the robots would work all day and never take breaks

they did not have to stop for sissy things like ‘ life’ or ‘ feelings’

i was made in that factory

some people want to live in  an old country house

with old furniture and family pictures hanging on the wall

i would hate a house like that

i want a large white house that is 80% empty

with nothing on the walls

it will be large , empty and white

i care more about aesthetics than ‘ feelings’

‘damn’

i feel tired and ‘ fucked’

i get feelings sometimes

i get tired

sometimes i have to sleep

i remember when i was little i could not tell the  difference between a chair and a human being

i only put the world into two categories

me and everything that is not me

sometimes i see robots

sometimes i feel like being a cannibal and i eat robots

shark jaws

i took some adderall and felt a ‘ boost’ of energy

i felt in control of ‘ things’

i had a need to go on the internet

i went on facebook and looked at my new friends

6 hours went by and i was alone in the library, looking up things on the internet

‘damn’

‘ fuck’

the effects of the adderall have died down and now i feel ‘ tired’ and useless

i should of done something

the lonliness button in my brain broke or something

what happened to my overwhelming feelings of  ‘ lonliness and despair ‘

i feel like those feelings will come back

i am afraid of those feelings coming back

those feelings feel  familiar

familiar like the voice of your mother or something

i sometimes think about people that i hate

i imagine a shark eating all of those people

i should draw a picture of a shark on my wall next to my bed

i should get some  sheets with sharks on them

i get a really intense feeling of ‘ comfort’

when i a picture the face of a person who was an ‘ asshole’ to me

in the jaws of large shark

hehe

hehe

hehe

seems funny

i should write something down about ‘ getting drunk’

drinking improves my life

i think

i know

wait

not sure

seems fun

oh kay

ok

there is a feeling or something

‘damn’

there is a feeling or something